obsessing on: what is my purpose in this life? (take 3,451,817)
Analyzing the above question for three decades has led to one answer. It is this: my answer was always meant to be multi-faceted. i spent so many years earnestly trying to make my purpose fit into one word. i kept believing that i could think myself into finding a singular objective. i acknowledge this was partly an immaturity issue but it was a bad habit that has persisted until the present even though i know that there is no singular answer!
a cluttered and messed space makes my mind feel that way. it begins a cycle of feeling like i am always too late to find my singular purpose and i’ll never get the chance to and worrying if i am not doing a great enough job helping my family develop their purpose(s) and that i am behind and that i should be more prayerful and more creative and finally sewing some pattern out of my books that i cut the material for a year ago or learning to paint with watercolors but i can’t because it’s 4pm and i still haven’t washed the dishes and i am letting myself down and i am trivial and that being a housewife is maddening and why can’t i even do a good job at it and being angry at myself for my mind/heart attention being stuck on house work or my loopy thinking rather than my raising lovely daughters work.
in truth, i would love to have a spotless home. yet in my heart it doesn’t feel right at this point in my life because then i would have to spend all of my wonderful creative existence focused on that goal and teaching my girls that it should be their goal, as well. (you may disagree and i totally support that but this is my crazy brain and how it processes all of this.) i don’t want that for me or for them.
tired of feeling overwhelmed again on the clean vs. create issue, one morning i decided to channel all of my objective thinking ability to figure it out. after a bit of inspiration by imagining what my great-grandmothers would have suggested i do, a plan was born! and i found my way to keep working away at the many purposes i have held special and felt compelled to do since my girlhood: being a storyteller, a writer, a model, a reader, a seamstress, a designer, a leader, a teacher and a compassionate listener.
(i know, she isn’t glamorous in any way. in fact, she’s a bit funny since it took me five minutes to draw up. i wanted something that looked as though it could have been found in a lovely elderly woman’s kitchen and had been stuck on their fridge for about twenty years. at least it’s got some color and is recyclable, right?)
the granny list is gentle on me. it keeps me on track just enough while allowing me to exercise my free spirit approach to existence. my granny list is a daily compass and once i get to my cleaning destination i can pick how little or much should be accomplished each day. i have no need to feel pressured to take care of every mess elsewhere at once around the house until the proper day. and if i screw up a week, it’s okay because i can just start over again on the next week. i am so deeply grateful for my granny list.